Can you offer advice on how to deal with the seperation of a wife and kids?

January 27, 2013 | By

Question by rlc_60504: Can you offer advice on how to deal with the seperation of a wife and kids?
A year ago, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She and I have both been in individual therapy. She only agreed to attend maybe 3 couples therapy sessions, but was disinterested. It has been a year of hell as I've tried absolutely everything possible to save my marriage with no luck. So, she wants to move out in the next month or so. Not what I want for the kids, me or her. I moved to a state to help advance her career. My closest family member is 500 miles away. Outside of work, I have 1 friend here and he is married. How do I deal with not having her around for companionship any more? Also, the kids will be rotating in and out of the house once our 50/50 custody kicks in. I absolutely love my kids. I tuck them both in each night. Any tips to help me prep for this and deal with what is coming? I'm still very love with my wife and kids. Advice from people that have been through this is appreciated. Thanks.

Best answer:

Answer by Yup
i was in your exact position 12 years ago. my advice to you is to learn how to let go of her, and do it now. once a woman has made up her mind to leave then its all over. find a hobby to fill your time when the kids are away. you will drive yourself crazy if you are holed up in the house. get around some other guys, maybe thru a hobby or common interest. stay in therapy and try to keep from talking too much about your problems with your friends. when you deal with the ex, keep the conversations short and positive. no begging, no sentimental stuff, all business. don't ask her anything about what she is doing unless its kid related. don't be a douche nozzle and bring a bunch of broads around your kids. it will take several years to fully heal from this so don't get in a hurry

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Comments (3)

  1. Pam

    You didn’t mention why your wife is so adamant about getting a divorce which could be a crucial piece of information in our answers. If she is so disinterested in mending your relationship, something really funky happened that turned her off, permanently. You will still get to see your kids and tuck them in, probably just not every night.

    Also, I disagree with the other commenter that you should not talk about your problems with your friends. I say just the opposite. Since this is a huge upheaval of your life as you know it, you may need to talk about it with someone. Please get yourself into therapy so that you can release all of your frustrations, anxieties and worries with someone who will actively listen and be able to give you construction advice on how to cope with such a change in your life. Good luck friend.

  2. Richard the lion

    This is a heart breaker and most unfortunate. My advice to you is to always remember that it takes two people to make a marriage work. When one spouse has thrown in the towel there is nothing you can do about it, try as you may. Your wife has made up her mind. If you can afford individual therapy or find a support group I would advise it. Most importantly do not beat yourself up for the decision your wife has made. Unwarranted self-guilt only paralyzes you.

    Read up on the 5 stages of grief. Here is a site to get you started:

    Grieving the loss of someone you love is a painful process but unavoidable. In time you will get through this. Be the best father you can possible be. Do your best to say nothing negative about your ex.

    While you are still in love with your wife keep reminding yourself that you are no longer in a relationship with her. In time your feelings will dissipate although there will always be the memories. Remind yourself that it was your wife who left you, not the other way around. She has let go of a loving caring husband. There may come a time when she will live to regret that decision.

    Spend time with friends and stay focused on making yourself emotionally strong. Simply know that what has happened is not of your doing. You can still hold your head up high and take comfort in the fact that you did everything in your power to save your marriage.

    “How do I deal with not having her around for companionship any more?”

    In time you will find someone else but give yourself time to heal before getting emotionally invested in someone else. For now, do your best to keep occupied with work and the one friend you do have. Work on cultivating new friendships.

  3. Carol

    I found a journal helped me sort though my feelings and helps to speed the process of getting to the other side of it. It can be a long road, but it helps to get feeling out said and worked through they an be laid to rest so you can move forward.

    Learning to accept the realities of what actually is and not stuck in wishing its was different will help a lot, and the journal will help do that.

    Do things with the kids even if its just having a picnic on a decent day at the park, or having on on the living room floor.

    Find a club elks or moose, etc to get involved in and make friends or volunteer at a non profit geared toward something you care about, get busy and keep busy till your on the other side even if its learning about something for a hobbies