Did I do the right thing by giving the engagement ring back?

January 30, 2013 | By

Question by NDN_Couture: Did I do the right thing by giving the engagement ring back?

My finance have been in a relationship for 6 years, long distance (I'm in NY, he's in MD). Two years ago, he proposed to me and I happily accepted. The only thing was, he didn't want to tell his parents right away because his mom told him that his parents would like for him to have a traditional engagement ceremony.

He is a very nice guy and I do love him and see myself marrying him. We decided to take the planning of the wedding a little slow. I have no doubts about his loyalty either. However, in the past year, I've had some life changing events where my father passed away on 2012. My mother is alone now and my brother already lives far away (I live a few minutes from my mom in an apt). We don't have a lot of extended family in the U.S. and she has also recently had some health issues come up. She hasn't retired from working and therefore, she's not open to moving anywhere right now. So, suffice it to say, I don't want to leave her completely alone.

On the other hand, my finance has a steady job and house in MD and has said that he doesn't like NY. He also likes his current company and therefore, really doesn't want to switch companies to find an opportunity close to NY. Most of our relationship has been uneven, about 70-30..I would visit him and spend the weekend in Maryland or NJ (where his parents live). The feeling I get is that he may want me to conform to his life more so than he wants to conform to mine. He came to NY every once in a blue moon and of course came for my father's funeral and cremation. But also at that point, he started pressuring me more about wedding planning because his parents started pressuring him. But in our tradition, if your father passes away, you are not supposed to get married until after a year has passed and you have conducted a specific memorial service. He is of the same culture so I believe his parents know about the tradition.

We usually have a lot of fun when we're together. We joke around, play around, etc. He's not 100% open with me, but he is starting to open up. But with that though, he is reserved and so when I express my opinions, he begins to get defensive and say that I'm confrontational.

Since my father's memorial service has been performed, we both agreed that we needed to have a serious talk. Yesterday, he came to NY (which I appreciated) and at first, I took him to a part of town with a lot of nice little shops and food places...we had fun...later on in his car, I started up the conversation with him and told him how I feel and what's going on in my head. I did my best to make sure I expressed everything I needed to, not come out in a confrontational manner or challenge him, and made sure that I carefully listened to everything he had to say. I asked him to take some time to think everything over and make sure he still wants to marry me, because I'm not sure at this point if I make him completely happy. I also told him that I love him and I don't want to break up with him and I have no intentions of seeing anyone else for now, but he needs to let me know and it may be best if he holds on to the engagement ring for now. It is a very expensive ring (the jeweler accidentally told me when I first got it inspected to keep the warranty) but I felt burdened if I held on to it during this time of uncertainty. I told him he doesn't have to give me a special proposal or anything again, but just let me know that I'm the one for him.

Emotionally, I'm a mess right now and different sides of me second guess my decision, while other sides say that I did the right thing...my mom thought my whole approach was fair and reasonable. But I'm still very emotional about it. Did I do anything wrong?

Thanks for reading.
In regards to my career, I do have a flourishing career in NY as an Engineer and have been moving up. He is well aware of that as well and also knows that I am studying to get my license. However, I have sent him my resume to forward to his contacts and have been looking in MD. I have worked hard go become successful just as he has, but also, I do not feel right about my mom being completely alone in NY and I am not ready to completely give my career up yet because I want to make sure we can both save up well for when we have children. One of the issues I addressed in my conversation with him was to think of how I can remain accessible to my mom without too much of an impact because some of his career growing options is to work in the western U.S. or overseas. But if he does that and I decide to stay here while married to him, it would affect our relationship and intimacy. He would like it better if he can go overseas but he said his likelihood of getting a promotion in that posi

Best answer:

Answer by Stormy
I think you did the right thing. As long as he knows your going thru a rough time right now. If he truly loves you he will wait for you. At some point when you feel better, just ask him if you can wear his ring again. He will know you have taken care of what you needed to and ready to proceed with him.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Chris & Jessica Engagement - Falling
6 year wedding proposal

Image by Auzigog
You can now purchase an 11''x14'' print of this beautiful photo

This was the first engagement shoot that I have done and I was excited that I got to do it with two of my long-time friends: Chris and Jessica. They're really cool people. Chris popped the question earlier in the summer and they called me right away to ask if I would go up to Oregon City to do some engagement shoots for them. They also wanted me to do their wedding, but I told them I wanted to enjoy the wedding, not have to photograph it. I think Jessica believes she can still find a way to convince me to do it.

Half the shoot was done at Hillendale Park, which is where he proposed (and right near the house where I spent 18 years of my life). The other half was in the backyard of Chris' parent's house. They were great to shoot with and the weather was awesome. I must confess, I did browse flickr for a while on poses I could use, so not all of these poses are my own making.

How to recreate this photo:
I'm a huge fan of sharing and creative commons. I also wanted to share how this photo was created.

1) Find a place with a still background. Wind moving bushes can make this hard.
2) Put your camera on a tripod.
3) Place your subjects at the edge of your frame.
4) Have one subject take decently sizes steps. Have them pause as they complete each step. Take a photo as they pause. Have them take another until they get to the middle.
5) Now repeat for the other subject until they are in the middle.
6) Have them kiss or do something fun in the middle and take a photo of that. You can try a few different poses her and decide which one you want to use later.
7) Bring all these photos into one photoshop document. Keep one photo as background. Keep each different "copy" of the person on a different layer
8) On each layer that is not serving as the background to the image, erase everything except the person. Make sure you don't erase shadows. They are important as well.
9) Change the opacity of the layers that aren't the ends or the middle 50%. They will blend into the background.

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Comments (2)

  1. devonian Rodders

    Inclined to agree with your Moms views, particularly as she knows you best.

    You have made it perfectly clear that unless he meets you half way, the wedding cannot proceed.

    reading your question carefully, i cannot but wonder whether you are being taken as a status symbol, rather than a lifelong partner. May be wrong or perhaps the way it was worded, IDK

  2. Another Crone

    You broke up with him. If you are okay with that then you did nothing wrong. If you didn’t want to break up with him, doing so to keep your Mother company is likely a decision you will rethink quite a few times.

    However, what you did was break up with him. The fact that he is carving out a career and has a home in MD is an excellent reason for why he’d want to remain living there. What, besides keeping your mother company, are you doing in NY? Are you going to school? Or carving out a career of your own? You give us no clue. All I can assume is that, regardless of what you told him, what you actually want is exactly what you did…. which was give him his ring back and break up.