How do I keep from projecting the hatred I have for my fiance’s ex-wife onto his 5 year old daughter?

February 4, 2013 | By
marriage 5 years older
by F.d.W.

Question by Leslie: How do I keep from projecting the hatred I have for my fiance's ex-wife onto his 5 year old daughter?
He has a daughter with the ex and I am ashamed to say that I feel a slight resentment towards her when she exhibits behaviors and attitude problems that are extremely similar to her mother. I don't say anything negative about her mother to her, I wouldn't do that, but I do find it very difficult to get close to her. I find myself being extra hard on her lately although its normal behavior exhibited by a 5 year old going through her parents recent divorce.

Best answer:

Answer by gala ria
reconsider marrying him. if you can't control your emotions with a 5yr old, then you have an issue.

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Comments (13)

  1. Jim C

    It’s totally normal, but don’t get married. You may never get used to this, and may always hate this little girl. And you should hate her. She’s just like her mommy, the b*tch.

  2. Ladybug

    In my experience, this girl already has a mother. All you can be for her is a friend. If you treat her bad she will hate you. Just try to be her friend. It is not her fault.

  3. Clipt

    Wait until she turns 18, and then marry into HER family.

    Otherwise, you MAKE THE DECISION IN YOUR HEAD, to not take out your childish insecurities on an innocent child who has no choice in the matter of being your future step-child.

  4. Lady T

    If you are feeling this way about a 5 year, it will only get worse as she gets older…and if he is the kind of man that is worth marrying, then he wouldn’t allow you to treat his daughter that way and the marriage would be in jeopardy before it gets started. Like the first answer, you should definitely reconsider marrying him. This does not sound like it would be a healthy and happy environment for any of you. Good luck.

  5. basmusiq

    I’m very happy that you’re acting like an adult and not trying to hurt her. Good for you!

    There is the obvious answer where you just have to suck it up but I think you need to put your anger aside towards her mother. I know it’s easier than done but the reality is, it has to be done.

    I wish you the best of luck, you’re in a tough situation and I applaud you for not being mean to her.

  6. sun_is_shining

    Have a heart. She’s five. Do you want to alienate her? She’s going through a lot. Try to look for the things in her that remind you of your fiance, and remember that she comes from both of them, so there will be traits from both parents. If you can’t handle her likeness to her mother, then you seriously need to reconsider your engagement, because his daughter is there for life, regardless.

    The kid’s had enough to cope with, she doesn’t need her Dad’s future wife being harsh or unloving as well.

  7. need answers

    It’s not her fault and you know that already. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be there trying to get through this. I understand your situation tho. I see my future hubby’s daughter act just like her mother at times and what I do is correct her behavior. I tell her it’s not nice to talk that way or let’s try and say that in a better tone. But one thing is for sure, get down on one knee, where you are at eye level with her. That way she knows you are trying to ‘help’ her. Not many people get down to their little level. Don’t talk ‘down’ to her, get down and talk to her. Redirect her behavior and talk to your fiance’ about it, get his thoughts or suggestions on how to handle it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure he sees how his daughter acts and reminds him of his ex as well, but the two of you need to work together.

  8. golly geesh

    I may get some thumbs down. I am a mom I have a hard time dealing with my OWN child when she exhibits nasty behaviors. She is 10.5 year old. I don’t tend to like other peoples children. I am not a kid person at all. I won’t get involved in a relationship that has kids because I don’t like the stress of my own let alone someone else child. My advice is she was around before you were in this case you must respect that. If you can’t enjoy her in your life you need to move out of her fathers life. It won’t get any more easy there is no easy answers. If it were me i’ld be long gone.

  9. Nu-Y-Fie

    You know I was in a similar situation, yet I had 3 children of my husband’s past marriage to deal with. You know what is funny, you probably look at this little girl and see her mother, you hear her talk and you hear her mother, you see the things she does and it all reminds you of her mother. If any of these are true, your not the only one out there suffereing from this. I did, and for a moment I remember wanting nothing to do with the children. I felt like they weren’t mine, and why should I sacrifice my happiness to make them happy. Then one day well actually over time I came to realize that it was not the children I resented, it was the mother. I could not stand the sight of her, or the thougth of her, or even when people would speak of her I just had a feeling in the pitt of my stomack. But with all that I realize that my happiness was based on the happiness of the father of the children which today is my husband.

    I realize that the kids never ask to be born into this world having to separate from their parents, and find themselves in a step or blended family. They sure didn’t ask for all that.

    And US as step parents must understand that, we knew what came with the man, you knew as well as I knew there were more to the picture that would be the kids. And we can’t blame them, but we can learn to love them unconditionally, and share in their joys of life. She is only 5 years old and soon she will be 10 with a mind of her own. You must make the move to except her as you did her dad and love them both unconditionally. She is a child of his and his past, but you do not need to dwell in the past, but bring light to your family now.

    She will love you if you let her, she will except you if you let her, she will ask the same of you and you will do. Remember, its not her fault, just be patient and you will see all will work out and you will be happy that you put all the resentment on the side and made time for her it will benefit both of you. It has me.

    Remember now, when you get close to her, her mother will be very jealous of the connection you make with her daughter. So when you think things just got easier, they find a way to make you life hell. Just keep positive love your finance and love his daughter. Stay strong, and believe that everything will work out. Don’t wait to long to discover a mutual relationship with your step daughter, she will grow up fast. If you can connect now, you will be set for life with her later. Im not saying things will always be easy, but it would be easier if you make a connection now then later.

    Remember, its not that little girls fault, its her parents fault but it is YOU that will make her feel safe and loved by both sides.

    Good luck

  10. Jess

    I agree that you should reconsider marriage to this man. It is not his daughters fault who her mother is. Shes just a kid and doesnt know any better. I do worry tho that if you and you fiance have a child of your own how you will treat his daughter then.

  11. ?

    Honey, you’re human…it’s hard when you see the child act like the ex. My brother has 2 babies by a psycho and we have a hard time with the 3 year old because of all the crap psycho’s family pumps into him on their visitation. But we love him anyway, because we stopped focusing on the traits we see in him from her, and only see my brother. If you really love this man, you need to learn to love his child, or you’re coming for a downfall.

    I dated guys with kids and never had problems with them. I never looked and saw the ex…I saw the man I loved. The first guy I dated had an ex from hello, but a precious 2 year old daughter. I saw him in her, and I fell in love with her. The next guy I dated had a 6 year old who was the spitting image of her mother. Again, I saw him in her and loved her for her, not her mother. We sometimes have to look past the ugly to see the beauty…I promise, it’s there!

    God bless you, Darlin’. Hang in there. If you really love him and want a future with him, you must face his past.

  12. Nena S

    Congratulations on admitting your feelings. You have been brave to post this, IMO.
    I can totally relate to your feelings. It’s hard to deal with this kind of thing, but it can be done. Therapy and counseling helped me; perhaps you could consider going as well.

    Remember…Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
    Try to be nice and to really care for the little girl. It is not her fault she has her mother’s genes, you know?

    Good luck. And be honest with yourself. If you see that you cannot see the child without seeing her mother, then re-evaluate your relationship with her dad. I mean it. Do not ignore this.

  13. vis

    stop seeing her as the ex’s child and start looking at her as your soon to be husband child.. she is part of him and love that part of him and if you can start to look at her and see him you will love her..besides you really do not know what her mother is telling her about you.. she could be telling her that you took her from her and her just give it time and wait a bit before you walk down the isle..