I want to separate and have legal custody?

February 6, 2013 | By

Question by Nena83: I want to separate and have legal custody?
I live in NYC, married with a 3 months baby. I wanna separate, but my husband says that he is taking the baby with him until I get legal custody from a judge. Can he do that? How lond does it take for me to get the legal custody? And if I get the legal custody, who sets the maximum time he can visit? He is a good father, but he and I don't get along, and argue too much, that's the reason I wanna separate.

Best answer:

Answer by up4more
You argue too much? Have you considered getting come marital counseling first? It could help...

As for the rest...Don't tell him when you are going to file. File for your separation and put in a temporary custody order at the same time. The odds of a judge separating a 3 month old from his/her mother are slim to none...unless you have some kind of crazy raging heroin problem...

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Rome visit, June 2008 - 57
marriage counseling nyc

Image by Ed Yourdon
These pictures were taken during a trip to Rome in Jun 2008, where I presented a 2-day seminar on "Web 2.0".

I noticed this couple, sitting on the railing that separates the vehicular roadway from the pedestrian part of the Piazza del Popolo. I couldn't tell if they were arguing, engaged in a who-blinks-first? contest, or just having a thoughtful conversation...

I can't help wondering if this couple had any idea how many people would look at their picture (a little over 14,000 as of January 2012), and how many different bizarre blog postings -- well over a hundred, at this point, from all over the world -- would use the image of their conversation to illustrate their message. To see all the places where the photo has been published (at least, all of the ones that I'm aware of), see below...

***********************************************

Note: this photo was published on Jul 8, 2008 in a blog posting entitled "Reader Question: Handling Pressure to Apologize." It was also published in an Aug 21, 2008 blog article entitled "Marriage, money, debt, and divorce?" And it was published in a Jan 27, 2009 blog article entitled "Complaining’s Place In Marriage." In addition, it was published in a Jan 13, 2009 blog titled "Karen Kalisek’s Top 20 Things To Help (1-5)." More recently, it was published in a March 17, 2009 "Mind Hack" blog article titled "Dominant chemicals." And it was published in a Sep 13, 2009 blog titled "How to Fight With Your Partner."

A few days later, it was published in a Sep 18, 2009 blog titled "Couple’s Counseling: Why I Don’t Take Sides." And it was published in an Oct 20, 2009 Greek blog titled "Η ψυχολογική κακοποίηση των ανδρών." It was also published in a Nov 4, 2009 blog titled "10 tips for traveling as a couple - and not breaking up." And it was published in a Nov 14, 2009 blog titled "How Thoughtful Words Save Marriages." It was also published in an undated (late-November 2009) blog titled "Democratia cuplului." It was also published, on page 5 of 8, in a Nov 14, 2009 blog titled "Best of the Week: Forbidden Gifts, Landlord Secrets & More."

One of the more unusual publications of this photo was in a Dec 7, 2009 blog titled "Separated Spouses Filing Bankruptcy Together." It was also published in a Nov 30, 2009 blog titled "The Language Barrier."

Moving into 2010, the photo was published in a Jan 7, 2010 blog titled "Everyone has a bad day." It was also published in a Jan 7, 2010 blog titled "Dealing with travel-partner conflicts." And it was published in an undated (Jan 2010) blog titled "Avoiding the Heartbreak Hostel: 10 Simple Rules For Backpacking Lovin’ for Female Travellers." It was also published in a Jan 18, 2010 Greek blog titled "Τι συμβαίνει στην αγάπη μετά το γάμοl." And it was published in a Jan 20, 2010 blog titled "CityFiles: Letting them down easy (he said/she said)."

Good grief: now it has been published in a Jan 22, 2010 blog titled "Infidelity Doesn't Have to Mean Divorce," and a Jan 24, 2010 blog titled "Both partners need to be involved." It was also published in a Feb 5, 2010 Dutch blog titled "‘Wij’ gelukkiger dan ‘ik’." And it was published in an undated (Feb 2010) blog titled "Adult Separation Anxiety." And it was published in a Jan 30, 2010 Wikihow blog page with the same title as the caption that I used for this Flickr page. I've also discovered that it was published in a Feb 12, 2010 Canadian blog titled "We need to talk (about the history of marriage counselling)." And it was published in an undated (Mar 2010) blog titled "Communication Skill Lesson Plan." It was also published in a Mar 25, 2010 blog titled "Marital Gridlock And Growing Up." It was also published in a Mar 28, 2010 blog titled "In today’s culture, sex is public but love is private." And it was published in a Mar 30, 2010 blog titled "Professional honeymooners: dream job or nightmare?"

There's more: the photo was published in an Apr 5, 2010 blog titled "John Mayer Was Right: You Gotta Say What You Need To Say." And it was published in an Apr 6, 2010 blog titled "Miscarraiges [sic] Strain Marriages." It was also published in an Apr 8, 2010 blog titled "Why We Stay With Unfaithful Partners." And it was published in an Apr 9, 2010 blog titled "Foursquare Becomes Great Predictor Of Divorce," as well as an Apr 10, 2010 blog titled Relationship Advice | Too Immature for Relationship It was also published in an Apr 13, 2010 Italian blog titled "Uomini col Mestruo, un gruppo su Facebook smaschera i senza palle." And it was published in a May 14, 2010 Peruvian(?) blog titled "Codependencia: Cuando la propia identidad se pierde en la pareja." It was also published in a Jun 11, 2010 blog titled "Is Divorce Contagious?" It was also published in a Jun 25, 2010 blog titled "The Magic Of Making Up – Authors Overview," and a Jun 26, 2010 blog titled "The struggle for control in a relationship." A similar blog, titled "The stages of relationships: Phase 3: The power struggle," was published on Jun 28, 2010; and on the same day, the photo was published in a Trés Sugar blog titled "Finding Out Why We Fight Might Help Us Patch Things Up." It was also published in a Jun 29, 2010 Mashable blog titled "Facebook Becoming a Prime Source for Divorce Case Evidence," and I'm pretty sure that the Spanish edition of the same blog appeared on Jun 30, 2010 with a title of "Servicio gratis de mediación para divorcios en Gipuzkoa."

Moving into the second half of 2010, the photo was published in a Jul 2, 2010 blog titled " I Want My Husband To Love Me Again – 4 Ways To Rekindle Your Romance." It was also published in a Jul 8, 2010 blog about insurance, titled "How Can I Convince You?" And it was published in an undated (Jul 2010) blog titled "Adult Separation Anxiety." It was also published in a Jul 12, 2010 blog titled "Temas tabúes en las relaciones de pareja." And it was published in a Jul 14, 2010 blog titled "Initiative to Ban Divorce in California Resurfaces." It was also published in a Jul 15, 2010 Dating 1001 blog, with the same title as the caption that I used on this Flickr page. It was also published in a Jul 25, 2010 blog titled "Businesses Capitalizing on High Unemployment." And it was published in a Jul 29, 2010 blog titled "How to Deal With Financial Infidelity," as well as a Jul 29, 2010 blog titled "Words of Wisdom: Ryan Holiday. It was also published in a Sep 6, 2010 blog titled "Living together apart – Conviviendo juntos pero separados." And it was published in a Sep 15, 2010 blog titled "Is Your Debt A Relationship Killer?" It was also published in a Sep 17, 2010 blog titled "We Got Into An Argument, Part I." And it was published in a Sep 18, 2010 blog titled "Saving It." It was also published in a Sep 25, 2010 blog titled "Help Save My Marriage – What To Do." And it was published in an undated (late Sep) "Dating Advice Expert" blog titled "Marital dispute: An overview of court proceedings." It was also published in a Sep 30, 2010 blog titled "It's a Guy Thing." And it was published in an undated (Oct 2010) blog titled "Dealing with Infidelity is a Response by Couples in Trouble." It was also published in an Oct 15, 2010 Judy Cares blog titled "Is it a Marriage or a Relationship?", as well as an Oct 19, 2010 blog titled "Moving Forward in a Marriage: Forgiving the Minor Mistakes." And it was published in an Oct 26, 2010 blog titled "Relationships should be Easy and fun." It was also published in an Oct 29, 2010 blog titled "I suggested couples counseling and my fiance said “I don’t do counseling. What should I do?", and another Oct 29, 2010 blog titled "Cosas que no debes decir en una cita."

Moving into November, it was published in a Nov 2, 2010 blog titled "Justicia rechaza el 7% de las demandas de divorcio por no cumplir requisitos." It was also published in an undated (Nov 2010) blog titled "Relationship Break Up Advice – How to Save Your Broken Relationship." And it was published in a Nov 8, 2010 blog titled "Welcome to Improve Sex Life." It was also published in a Nov 15, 2010 blog titled "Question of the Week: How has chronic illness impacted your marriage?", and a Nov 16, 2010 blog titled "Lastest [sic] Debt Counseling News." And it was published in an undated (mid-Nov 2010) Lying Lovers blog titled "Recovering From Infidelity – Crucial Steps to Rebuilding Your Marriage." It was also published in an undated (late Nov 2010) blog titled "Long Distance Relationships: How to Know When it's Time to Call it Quits," and it was published in an undated (late Nov 2010) blog titled "Reconciliation is Possible with the Help of a Couples Counseling NYC Therapist." It was also published in a Dec 3, 2010 blog titled "Will Your Marriage Succeed Or Fail?", as well as a Dec 3, 2010 blog titled "Sole Sisters’ Guide to Keeping Sane While Traveling in Twos." And it was published in a Dec 6, 2010 blog titled "1 de cada 5 divorcios usan a Facebook como prueba de infidelidad." It was also published in an undated (mid-Dec 2010) Hospital Medical Billing Fraud blog titled "Do Infertile People Make Better Parents?" And it was published in a Dec 13, 2010 Polish blog titled "Kobiety kłamią inaczej niż faceci. Kto częściej?." It was also published in a Dec 27, 2010 blog titled "The Easy Way to Make Money Online Everyday." And it was published in a Dec 30, 2010 blog titled "Relationship Cues: Sensing the Unspoken." Finally, it was published in a Dec 31, 2010 blog titled "Divorced and Co-Parenting: How to Get Along With Your Ex."

Moving into 2011, the photo was first published in a Jan 2, 2011 blog titled " Importance Of Medical Insurance Plans." It was also published in a Jan 3, 2011 blog titled "Car Insurance Tips for Mature Drivers in Florida, as well as a Jan 5, 2011 Forbes.com blog titled "5 Ways Your Partner Can Ruin Your Credit." It was also published in a Jan 6, 2011 "Learn to Earn Online blog, with the same title and descriptive notes as what I had originally written on this Flickr page. It was also published in a Jan 10, 2011 blog titled "Bankruptcy Rules Review." And it was published in an undated (mid-Jan 2011) "Counseling Rehab" blog titled "4 Ways to Treat Your Addiction." It was also published in a Jan 13, 2011 blog titled "Waiting for Debt Help and Free Debt Advice?" And it was published in a Jan 15, 2011 blog titled "Online Dating Tips: How To Create A Great Profile." It was also published in a Jan 16, 2011 blog titled "Farmville Cheats And Associated Dangers," and another Jan 16, 2011 blog titled "Searching For The Fastest Way to Make Money Online?" It was also published in a Jan 17, 2010 pinkblog.it blog titled "Coppia: non perdonare il partner fa bene al rapporto." And it was published in a Jan 18, 2011 blog titled "How to Keep a Conversation Going." It was also published in a Jan 20, 2011 blog titled "5 Tips for Taking a Successful Online Dating Profile Photo." And it was published in an undated (late Jan 2011) blog titled "Why Social And Traditional Media Marketers Should Stop Acting Like Fighting Lovers." It was also published in a Jan 26, 2011 blog titled "Facebook cheating, restaurant websites and living in caves with Dinner Party Download." And it was published in an undated (late Jan 2011) blog titled "Stop Arguing Your Relationships to Death." It was also published in a Jan 30, 2011 blog titled "Ask the Readers: Hiding Money from Your Spouse."

The photo was also published in an undated (early Feb 2011) blog titled "Debt Relief Consolidation – Tips To Find Free Debt Help Online," with the caption and detailed notes that I provided on this Flickr page, followed by some more serious comments about the details of debt relief consolidation. And it was published in a Feb 8, 2011 blog titled "Female partners of heavy gamblers – victims or enablers?", and a Feb 13, 2011 blog titled "5 Sizzling Online Dating Tips." It was also published in a Feb 15, 2011 blog titled "The 1st Key for Dealing with Marital Strife," and it was published in a Feb 24, 2011 blog titled "Do You Know Your Rights?" It was also published in a Mar 8, 2011 blog titled 4 Reasons Why Open Marriage Doesnt Work," and a Mar 11, 2011 blog titled "What Do Musicians Really Earn Online?" And it was published in a Mar 16,2011 Car Insurance Companies blog, with the same caption and detailed notes that I had written on this Flickr page. It was also published in an undated (mid-Mar 2011) Website titled Especialistas en Divorcios. And it was published in a Mar 21, 2011 blog titled "Make love, not war: enjoy travel as a couple." It was also published in an undated (late Mar 2011) blog titled "Things You Must Know About Free Debt Consolidation Services." And it was published in a Mar 24, 2011 Nice How to Make Money Online Photos blog, with the same caption and detailed notes that I used on this Flickr page. It was also published in a Mar 30, 2011 blog titled "Gründe für die Eifersucht." And it was published in an Apr 7, 2011 blog titled "The Italian Language Learning," as well as an Apr 8, 2011 blog titled "How to Make People Angry," and an Apr 10, 2011 blog titled "Gründe für die Eifersucht." It was also published in an Apr 20, 2011 blog titled "6 Common mistakes that can ruin your relationship." And it was published in an undated (late Apr 2011) blog titled "Cuáles son las señales de una relación abusiva o que no es sana?", as well as an undated (late Apr 2011) blog titled "What are the Signs of an Unhealthy or Abusive Relationship?" It was also published in an Apr 26, 2011 blog titled "How To Make Your Dates More Pleasant And Enjoyable." And it was published in a May 16, 2011 blog titled "Parents Relationship Affects Quality of Children’s Sleep." It was also published in a May 23, 2011 blog titled
"Want Your Baby to Sleep Through the Night? Try Harmony in Your Relationship." And it was published in a May 27, 2011 blog titled " 'My Wife Won't Have Sex with Me' Is a Pathetic Excuse to Cheat," as well as an undated (late May 2011) blog titled "Why is it so hard to change relationships?"

It was also published in a Jun 1, 2011 blog titled "Should You Dispute a Performance Appraisal?" And it was published in a Jun 10, 2011 blog titled "Four signs you're heading for divorce," as well as a Jun 10, 2011 blog titled "Becoming a Better Woman From the Inside Out." It was also published in a Jun 11, 2011 blog titled "Discuss How To Earn Money Online," as well as a Jun 11, 2011 blog titled "The Online Dating Game On Twitter – How Does it Work?" And it was published in a Jun 22, 2011 blog titled "Mistakes in Choosing a Marriage Partner," and a Jun 22, 2011 blog titled "Anatomy of A Marital Argument." It was also published in a Jun 30, 2011 blog titled "Talk Money for Relationship Success." And it was published in a Jul 22, 2011 blog titled "Provocative Phrase Friday -- Her marriage was over + 11 Other Writing Prompts." It was also published in an undated (late Jul 2011) blog titled "Communication Skill Lesson Plan." And it was published in a Jul 31, 2011 blog titled "Rebuilding Your Marriage After An Affair." It was also published in an Aug 5,2011 Czech blog titled "Děláte dost pro Váš vztah?", as well as an Aug 5, 2011 blog titled Bankruptcy in San Antonio ? Why Me? And it was published in an Aug 6, 2011 blog titled "Wells Fargo And Wachovia Merger Is Bad News For Divorced Couple." It was also published in an Aug 15, 2011 blog titled "ACCORD report that the Internet is the fastest growing factor for marital difficulties in Ireland - but is that the full story?" And it was published in an Aug 19, 2011 blog titled "Why Senior Citizens Need To Get Reliable Travel Insurance." It was also published in an Aug 24, 2011 blog titled "Vrouwen winnen de meeste rubies." And it was published in an Aug 30, 2011 blog titled "BILL GROSS: Global Economy Is Like A Marriage "Teetering On The Edge Of Divorce"."

Moving into the fall of 2011, the photo was published in a Sep 5, 2011 blog with the curious title of "Gnats' farts and gender" at vickihollett-dot-com-slash-?p=3957". It was also published in a Sep 5, 2011 blog titled "Separated Chileans opt for unconventional living arrangements," as well as a Sep 5, 2011 blog titled "Děláte dost pro Váš vztah?." It was also published in an undated (early Sep 2011) blog titled "Adult Separation Anxiety." And it was published in a Sep 14, 2011 blog titled "It's Not Just About Spanking." It was also published (though I have no idea why) in an Oct 6, 2011 blog titled "San Antonio Storage." It was also published in a Nov 11, 2011 blog titled "La ansiedad por la separación es un trastorno cada vez mas frecuente en nuestros hijos0." And it was published in a Nov 16, 2011 blog titled "Poll: Balancing two ambitious careers." It was also published in a Nov 21, 2011 blog titled "Von Vertrauen und Misstrauen." And it was published in a Nov 23, 2011 blog titled "When Is It Time To Move On From A Relationship," and a Nov 23, 2011 Faith Village blog titled "How to Fight Fairly." It was also published in a Nov 28, 2011 blog titled "5 Questions To Ask Yourself To See If You'll Need A Pre-Nup." And it was published in a Dec 2, 2011 blog titled "Renting a Car in Ireland?", as well as a Dec 5, 2011 blog titled "Relationship Quotes," and another Dec 5, 2011 blog titled "Phrases to Avoid in Conversation – What Not to Say During a Fight with Your Beloved." It was also published in a Dec 6, 2011 blog titled "Single Parents - Dating and Family Strife."

Moving into 2012, the photo was published in a Jan 2, 2012 blog titled "? Why? ? Auto insurance cos? vile? expensive in the UK?", as well as a Jan 2, 2012 blog titled "I'm 33 years old with a second DUI. What's the best way to go about a job search?", and a Jan 2,2012 blog titled "Ask LH: How Do I Get Out Of An Argument With An Irrational Person?" It was also published in a Jan 4,2012 blog titled "Procurment Homes Need not " Dress" Good?" And it was published in an undated (early Jan 2012) Death Note Wallpaper blog, with the same caption and detailed notes that I had written on this Flickr page. It was also published in an undated (early Jan 2012) blog titled "Adult Separation Anxiety."

There were several other publications during the first couple of months in 2012 that I was not able to record here, because a corrupted website in the earlier material, posted immediately above, kept causing Flickr to hiccup and complain about an unidentified "error" every time I tried making an update ... but I've now fixed the problem, and I can report that the photo was published in an Apr 19, 2012 blog titled "What's Your Deal-Breaker?" It was also published in an Apr 23, 2012 blog titled "When An Over-Spender Ruins Someone You Love." And it was published in an Apr 27, 2012 blog titled "“Solo lei vuole un figlio”… quando il desiderio di genitorialità non è condiviso," as well as an Apr 27, 2012 blog titled "ANGLO-ITALIAN Experience Their First Travel “Discussion” – FOLLOW UP." It was also published in a May 2, 2012 blog titled "Morar junto antes de casar aumenta chances de divórcio, aponta estudo," as well as a May 2, 2012 blog titled Τι είναι και τι δεν είναι σταυρός στην οικογένεια." It was also published in a May 16, 2012 blog titled "Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex with Your Roommate," as well as a May 25, 2012 blog titled "What is a MA declaration of homestead?" It was also published in a May 9, 2012 blog titled " Annulment vs. Legal Separation: 3 Differences You Should Know About." And it was published in a Jun 10, 2012 blog titled "How To Improve Your Relationships ." It was also published in a Jun 13, 2012 blog titled "15 Relationship Truths for Tough Times." And it was published in a Jun 22, 2012 blog titled "Episode 116 Should Parents Fight in Front of their Kids?," as well as a Jun 23, 2012 Gigazine blog titled "アイデアはどこからやって来るのか?という20項目" (which means, I think, "where do ideas come from?") It was also published in a Jun 22, 2012 blog titled "Reconnecting Depressed Partners Despite Fear and Shame," and a Jun 23, 2012 blog titled "Commitment-Phobic Employers Do Their Best to Mimic Your Ex-Boyfriend."

Moving into 2013, the photo was published in an undated (early Jan 2013) blog titled "Jesteś inny niż kiedyś." It was also published in a Jan 16, 2013 blog titled "Can a collection agency garnish your wages? in california?" It was also published in a Jan 28, 2013 blog titled "US-California: E ‘can temporarily change the withholding tax on wages for a period of 2 months?"

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Comments (6)

  1. Melanie

    Legally he can’t just take your daughter but thats not to say he wont try anyway. You need to speak to a solicitor and tell them the situation and get them to put in an application for temporary custody of your daughter until you can work out an agreement over custody with your husband.

    It would be best if you and your husband can come to an agreement together about splitting the custody (how many days/hours each of you have her) because it will make the whole custody battle much much easier, if you both fight for her it will end up being a very long drawn out process.

    If your husband is a good father like you say then you should make sure that he gets to see his daughter as much as possible so that neither him or your daughter will end up resenting you.

    To be honest though I think you should try marriage counselling first before you go ahead and make the decision split, its worth a shot when your daughter is involved.

    Good Luck and remember that if you both can come to an agreement it will save an awful lot of time, money and arguments .

  2. the dude

    You = the reason for low marriage statistics

  3. highbury girl

    Sorry Nena, but can I gently point out that your baby, is only 3 months old. Your hormones are shot to pieces still, and you are probably sleep deprived.

    I am not suggesting you do not know what you are doing, but I would say give it a little longer. As you say, he is a good father. Of course you are arguing, you have both been through a massive life change, pregnancy, birth, a new baby crying, vomiting and requiring your whole attention, you are both tired and adapting.

    re-consider in a years time, when things have settled, and you can gather more information as to what you need to do if you do decide to leave. Actually, more often than not Mothers always get custody, he is stating his threat, because he feels threatened.

    Please try for your new baby’s sake a little longer.

  4. alialoggi

    Why do women believe all the crap men say? If he takes the baby and wont give the baby back, you call the police. In the mean time, if you want to separate, you go see a lawyer first, so you have some things established. You tell the lawyer that he plans to take the baby, so you can protect yourself. When you divorce, (which you will because no one stays with a man who threatens to take their baby) you will share custody of the baby. Visitation is typically split and can be negotiated, but if there are arguments, then its 50:50. My friend has a 60:40 split because they fought all the time, but she ended up $ 60,000 in debt. My legal bills were a lot higher. If you don’t get along and you argue, maybe you can try counseling?

  5. CaCO3Girl

    The legality in NYC is that married people have default JOINT custody. If he took the child there would be no way to get the kid back short of a court order. If I were you I would file for the separation, find out when they are going to serve him and on that day take all the baby stuff over to your mothers or closest friends house and take the baby with you. You will need to live there/hide there until the court case comes up. At that time you should be able to get legal custody, of a temporary nature, and child support and possibly alimony depending on the length of your marriage. The amount of visitation will be decided upon by a Judge, unless you can reach an agreement first with the father.

  6. sheloves_dablues

    File a petition for custody. It’s not rocket science.