Is it normal for couples to disagree like this? How do you act after an argument with a spouse?

February 23, 2013 | By

Question by iLoveU: Is it normal for couples to disagree like this? How do you act after an argument with a spouse?
After an argument, we are fine EXCEPT, I just want my own space, want to cool off. I'm obviously still affected by what happened and would just nip it in my bud. My boyfriend will apologize and give me reassurance and he wants to "fix" things; he doesn't seem completely content that I'm not back to "happy girl" after he tries to give me reassurance. Honestly, it's really not him, I just want to cool off. He takes it personally and thinks he "fails as a man"; I tried to explain to him that it's not even him; it's my own responsibility to fix my own behavior/actions. I think he may do this to seek his own reassurance, to be very considerate bc he loves, or a combination of both. He just wants to "fix" it and I find it annoying but this is a normal male trait, right? My boyfriend is a combination of sensitive and tough...and I feel I'm the same way. We get over-sensitive with certain triggers and we switch roles. I can complain about how much of a "sissy" my boyfriend is but I'm learning to appreciate and accept it. I am sensitive at times (I don't cry over everything or little details) but I'm just very aware of any tactics people pull, in general and that hurts me; however for someone who's "emotionally aware" (and who's dated guys who aren't), I am blessed to have someone who's very similar. It's difficult bc I've never dealt with this before. We spiraled 3 convos that manifested into worse arguments last night. The first one: He was talking about me "swallowing" him; I'm still not comfortable with the idea and (from my point of view), I felt like he was convincing me otherwise bc he thinks i find it "negative when it's really not a big deal). I felt forced but let it go. Before leaving the phone, he started feeling "not good" (he can always sense when I don't). He got a bit passive and I demanded he told me.

That issue came up and I told him I felt "forced" and this angered him bc he said that wasn't his intention. He got very upset and said, "next topic". The second one: he tried to be cheeky and jokey saying he would tackle me down if he could bc he's so irritated but loves me so much; I was still lost and confused to what was going on until he was offended I didn't get his "joke" and effort to cheer me up. The third one: I brought up the "5 love languages" and explained it to him. He gave his opinion saying he doesn't believe people should be categorized; I felt that he rejected my idea. This hurt me bc I believed in it and that it would help us through misunderstandings. I (then) started doubting our relationship and if we were compatible and THIS got him upset again saying how couples have disagreements all the time but it doesn't mean you give up on them. He said "he hates me sometimes but overall loves me so much he would never give up, especially over little arguments like this". He went into his reassurance speech about how much he loved me and said, "thanks" (I was still not in the mood). This angered him bc of the way i said "thanks", as if I didn't care. I asked to get off the phone but he accused me of "running away" when I just wanted to be done w. it. He said, "babe, i'm here. let's resolve this." Sounds like a typical argument, right? We don't do this all the time but when we do, it's like this :( ADVICE, please!!!!!
He claims that he's so patient with me and putting in so much effort (I guess by not exploding, getting too angry, and trying to "cheer me up") but I don't need cheering up and he takes that personal...

Best answer:

Answer by Chompers
"Hey" Remember when we used to have farting contests and you blew your Dog? Those were such fun times! You were crazy!!

Remember when you lapped my A$ $ HOLE for $ 5.....that was so funny!!

Give your answer to this question below!

Happy couple
best man speech advice to couple

Image by Ed Yourdon
Not much to say about this one ... whatever this couple was smiling about, it certainly put them in a good mood.

Note: this photo was published in a Jun 18, 2009 blog titled "リア充を気取ってモテカワ愛されブロガーになるたった5つの方法." It was also published in a Jul 27, 2009 blog titled "Conflict: Part Two." And, somewhat curiously, it was published on the home page of a website called Jew For Me. It was also published in a Feb 18, 2009 blog titled "Number One Piece of Dating Advice Broken Down."

More recently, the photo was published in a May 24, 2010 blog titled "Trouwkaarten: hoe kies ik de foto." It was also published in a Jun 4, 2010 blog titled "Balancing parenting and marriage: Keeping the intimacy alive." And it was published in a Jun 28, 2010 blog titled "Don't Fail Her First Test." It was also published in a Jul 9, 2010 blog titled "Waiting to Meet Janice." And it was published in a Dec 17, 2010 blog titled "Looking for Love Has Its Pitfalls." It was also published in a Dec 23, 2010 blog titled "Sustainable Love: Obstacles to Intimate Conversation."

Moving into 2011, the photo was published in a Jan 20, 2011 Russian blog titled "5 начина да я впечатлиш на първите ви срещи." And it was published in a Mar 4, 2011 blog titled "あなたの脳は男脳? それとも女脳?" It was also published in an undated (mid-Jul 2011) MagForWomen blog titled "Seven Mean Ways To Manipulate Men." It was also published in a Jul 29, 2011 blog titled "10 Ways To Wreck Your Marriage." And it was published in an Aug 4, 2011 blog titled "【ホンマでっか!? TV】男性にとって魅力的な女性、忘れられない女性とは?" It was also published in an Aug 29, 2011 Slate (France) blog titled " Les soucis financiers empêchent les femmes de dormir, pas les hommes." And it was published in a Nov 18, 2011 blog titled "first date advice, should you kiss or not?"

Moving into 2012, the photo was published in a Jan 31, 2012 blog titled "Best Money Tips: Frugal Dating Tips for New Couples" It was also published in a Mar 13, 2012 blog titled "Pleased Couple." And it was published in a Jul 12, 2012 blog titled "6 Questions to Ask Your New Travel Partner Before Your First Trip." It was also published as an illustration in an undated (early Sep 2012) "love quiz" titled "Are you too dominating on your partner?"

Moving into 2013, the photo was published in a Feb 19, 2013 blog titled "Dr. Enrique Peñalosa Delivers Keynote Speech at Recycle-A-Bicycle’s 3rd Annual Youth Bike Summit."

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When you say "New York City," most people think of Times Square, or the Empire State Building, or the crowded sidewalks and the skyscrapers in mid-town, or Wall Street, or the ill-fated World Trade Center. Maybe Central Park will come to mind, but most people don't realize that New Yorkers know lots of places to relax, and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air ...

... like Carl Schurz Park, over by the East River on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, stretching from 90th Street down to about 84th Street. In addition to flower gardens, dog runs, basketball courts, playgrounds, and grassy knolls for sunbathing, there is also a wide promenade where cyclists, roller-skaters, dog-walkers, lovers, joggers, parents, children, and any of the other millions of citizens of this city can stroll along at whatever pace suits them best. Some sit at benches along the edge of the river, staring at the roiling water caused by the swift current down the East River; others nod and smile as they watch sailboats, motorboats, yachts, barges, tour-boats, and barges ply their way up and down the river.

One thing's for certain, though: everyone enjoys Carl Schurz Park. It's one of New York's little secrets ...

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Comments (4)

  1. Anne

    he absolutely needs to respect your space to calm down. its not good to communicate when mad. he needs to learn to self soothe and not fix…..try telling him this with compassion.

  2. Bedford S

    To each there own, but after a disagreement and making up; I like to cuddle. I suppose I feel that way, regardless who was wrong, because we need get close to each other.

  3. PowerIsEverything

    I don’t blame you for wanting to be alone after an argument so you can cool down and get your equilibrium back. I also don’t blame you for not wanting to have sex after an argument.

    I agree with him that women should swallow. I agree with him that categorizations such as those made by books are generally contrived and not very useful because there are tons of different books and tons of different ways of classifying things. No system is perfect and they mostly all conflict. So I don’t blame him for discounting that book although I can see how it would annoy you for him to do that.

  4. Jillian

    My husband and I were a lot like this when we started dating. He could get over and argument – not matter how big- in a matter of seconds and he had the hardest time accepting the fact that I needed a few minutes to put what just happened behind me and continue on the day. All I know is that with us, he had to learn that I needed time. And when we apologized, he would do his best to be patient until I was able to get back to myself. That might not be the answer you’re looking for, but with us, he just had to learn to be patient and I had to try and overcome my negativity. I began to admire how he was able to forgive so quickly and strive to do that because I tend to hold onto grudges. I do agree that he should be more sensitive to what you believe in (referring to the 5 love languages). They are not categorizing people, they’re just showing how different people like to give and receive love. Ask him to try it just to see. Even if he doesn’t believe it, he should respect you enough to try. I hope this helps