Question by cazandco: My son is getting married what am I expected to pay?
My son is getting married in a few months and has dropped lots of hints about wanting me to contribute to his wedding.
I have been married more than once and we paid for the weddings ourselves. My son has money that he does not want to spend. He also earns more money than we do. His bride wants a lavish wedding (horse and carriage, etc.) but earns very little.Her parents have contributed towards the wedding, but I cannot afford to.
His bride has said how she wants a traditional wedding, in her local church, which is fine, but we have to travel 300 miles to go to their wedding. We have to pay out for accommodation while we are there and also the clothes and wedding gift to pay for. I have children living at home still that need new outfits. The accommodation itself is £300 for 2 nights as it is per person per night.
When I got married 6 years ago I had a registry office wedding with few guests as we had what we could afford, with no honeymoon. They are inviting 60 people to the day reception alone.
Help! It is causing tension. He doesn't know what he wants me to pay for, he just wants me to pay something. He even said did I expect to turn up without contributing!
The thing with the rehearsal dinner is that, as they live 300 miles away, it is difficult to arrange a time to have a rehearsal dinner. If they are prepared to travel to us, thats ok, but they are not. We are not going to arrive until about 9pm the night before as my daughter has a GCSE exam the day before the wedding. There really is no money in our pot to offer. My husband is self employed and has to work 7 days a week as it is just to survive. He will lose 2 days work, which might not sound muc to some, but it is to us!
Best answer:
Answer by Simon
Your son doesn't sound to be too intelligent, sit down with him, and tell him what a selfish fool he is being.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Since most families no longer provide a dowry, it is usually expected that the Bride’s Parents will pay for everything.
traditionally, its meant to be the brides parents who pay for the wedding.
maybe you could offer to do the wedding invitations or placenames for the tables?
I think it’s reasonable for your son to wish for your help, but I don’t think that it’s reasonable for them to think you will break the bank! Traditionally, the groom’s mother/father are responsible for the rehearsal dinner. I would go through your finances and decide how much you can/are willing to spend. Then go to your son and say, “This is what I can afford. Use it how you wish.” (or something along those lines)…
If your son wants to get married he should pay for it himself. Gone are the days where parents are expected to pay for it. He is very rude saying what he did too!
Just tell him the truth that you can’t afford it and he should find a way to pay for it himself. Also tell him that you had to pay for your own wedding, and so should he.
I think your son is being very childish, is he mature enough to get married?
However, that said will list the traditional Emily Post expenses of the groom and his family:
Bride’s enggement and wedding rings
grooms present to his bride
gifts for the grooms attendants
accomodtions for grrom’s attendants
boutonniers for the groom’s attendants
the brides bouquet
corsages for immediate members of both families–unless bride has included them in her floristorder
The minister’s fee
the marriage license
transportation for the groom and best man to the ceremony
expenses of the honeymoon
all costs of the rehearsal dinner (can be a reception with finger foods, I would think)
bachelor dinner
transportation and lodging expenses for grooms parents
Good luck.
What your son said is pretty rude. I would never imagine saying something like that. If you feel like it, you could look over your finances and see what, if anything, you could contribute. And then, just be right upfront and honest with your son about it. Tell him that it’s a hardship for you. Ask if you can help in other ways (such as decorating, making any necessary arrangements, etc.) Tell him that you want to help in any way you can, but you simply cannot afford to shell out money. He should understand. If he doesn’t understand, ask him if he wants you to be there on his wedding day if you cannot contribute. Make him think about what he’s doing. His behavior is very immature and self-centered.
If he makes more money than you, then he is an adult and should pay for the wedding himself.
My parents are divorced, but I make more money than they do combined. That’s without figuring in my husband’s salary! We had a year and a half long engagement and told my parents that we did not want them to contribute (even though the bride’s parents traditionally pay for the wedding) because we were almost 30 and made good money. My parents sat aside $ 20 a week for a year and a half and gave us what they had set aside as a wedding gift. It was an unexpected contribution, but much appreciated. However, we never hinted to them that we expected money or suggested that tradition dictated that they pay for certain things. You should not expect your son to tone down his wedding to have one similar to yours. But, he should not expect you to go into debt to finance his wedding either.
I know here in the US “traditionally” the grooms parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. traditionally the bride’s parents hosted (and paid for) the wedding…
If your son is old enough to be completely self-sufficient perhaps they should pay for their own wedding.
If you want to contribute you may but you should not be pressured/expected to pay.
The norm now is that the grooms parents pay for quite a bit of the wedding. This, of course in not written in stone but traditionally they would pay for the brides flowers, corsages for the mother’s and grandmother’s, boutonnieres, etc. Search on “grooms expenses” for many more sites giving this official information. Don’t be bullied into doing anything you can’t afford. You could give the couple half of what you intended as a wedding gift for them and put the other half towards your “contribution”. Your son is possibly under a lot of pressure from the bride and her family because she wants a wedding way beyond their means. Do what you can, no more. At least you will know you did your best and can go to the wedding feeling good about yourself.
How rude of your son to say did you expect to turn up without contributing. He is living on his own now and has a job so he should pay for his own wedding. Tell him he knows he makes more money than you do and tell him how much it is going to cost for you to attend his wedding and it is going to be difficult to pay for it along with the loss of pay for the days you both have to take off from work. If he gets snotty again then let him get snotty, but don’t give in to his childish expectations.
Ask him for goodness sake. Its no good dropping hints etc., you need to know up front what the situation is. Have you spoken to the in-laws yet and worked out what they are paying for ?
You all need to communicate more.
you really need to have a talk with your son, explain this to him that with kids still at home there isn’t much money to go around, if the wedding had been closer to home you could have possibly helped but if he wants you there then what money you do have is going to have to go on that, unless he wants to find you cheaper accommodation you could possibly give him the difference to spend on something,
The days of parents paying for weddings are long gone, especially if you want all the bells and whistles. Luckily my mum gave me some money towards mine and so did my husbands dad, which came in handy but was not expected and certainly not asked for.
Maybe your son is a bit stressed and having his ear bent by his ‘princess’ who is racking up a list of things and he is looking at the price and panicking. He may also just be paraphrasing what she has said to him and passed it on to you – unless he is the type of guy who would normally be so rude to you, as he is seemingly being now? You will know if this is him or her talking I guess.
In any event, its clear you cant afford it. You will have to tell him, maybe in a gentle way of ‘I’d love to be able to but I can’t because of XYZ…’ This kind of diffuses the likelihood of an argument. Offer to help our practically, such as being on ahnd to do something on the day or delivering the card to the hotel afterward, although there might not be much you can practically do because of the distance and time off work. If he keeps pushing the point, stand your ground. If its a marriage of love they really dont need to be making sure they have all of the bumff anyways – makes no sense to me!
Sadly if he refuses to listen to your point of view, it may be that you miss out on the wedding, which is a massive shame, but hopefully he will see sense. Maybe try and talk to him on-on-one, or at least when you know the future wife isnt in ear shot. I know I sound like I’m having a pop at her but in my experience (of mine and friends weddings) its the future wife who is insisting on stuff and the man is largely not as fussed.
Good luck!
I’m sorry but I have to ask. Is this son a “step son” by chance? It doesn’t sound like you’re to pleased with anything. The two of you can’t meet half way on this? Did you ever stop to think what is fair? and I’m not talking about just money. Maybe the reason he want you guys to help out with “something” so bad, is because he feels bad about the image it’s sending to her parents. Maybe he doesn’t want them to think poorly of you guys. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. and he could say you guys are really great people, but it’s not going to look that way if you just show up. Of course that might not be the case at all. If you life at home can’t be helped, you need new clothed for kids, can’t get time off, or whatever the case may be. Then maybe your better off just not going. I can’t help but think your a little bitter about it all. sorry.
Anyway. below is a universal wedding expense chart, as you can see the grooms family doesn’t take much responsibility. Try to talk it out with your son and try to let this event bring family’s together, not rip them apart.
Traditional Breakdown of Expenses
The Bride’s Family
Wedding Gown,
Headpiece & Accessories
Ceremony/Reception Flowers
Altar Baskets/Arches
Bridesmaid Bouquets
Grandmother Corsages
Canopy/Carpet
Kneeling Bench/Candleabrahs
Rented Items for Wedding
Rented Items for Reception
Invitations/Announcements
Wedding Programs
Napkins/Matches/Printed Items
Church Fee
Musician/Soloist
Church Janitor
Reception Hall Fee
Catered Services
Wedding Photography
Video Photography
Orchestra/Band/DJ
Wedding Cake
Wedding Favors
Rice Bags
Wedding Breakfast
Bridal Brunch
Father of Bride Formal Wear
The Groom’s Family
Groom’s Cake
Rehearsal Dinner
Father of Groom Formal Wear
The Bride
Wedding Gift for Groom
Wedding Ring for Groom
Bridesmaid Gifts
Bridesmaid Luncheon
Accommodations for out-of town Guests
The Groom
Groomsmen/Usher Gifts
Bride’s Bouquet
Mother’s Corsages
Wedding Ring for Bride
Wedding Gift for Bride
Groom’s Boutonniere
Groomsmen Boutonnieres
Usher’s Boutonnieres
Marriage License
Medical Visit for Groom
Clergyman/Officiant Fee
Gloves/Ties/Ascots for Attendants
Limousine Service
Honeymoon Arrangements
Wedding Party & Guest
Bachelor Party
Bridesmaid’s Gowns
Matron /Maid of Honor Gown
Best Man Formal Wear
Usher’s Formal Wear
Groomsmen’s Formal
Children’s Formal Wear
Travel Expenses to the Wedding
Gifts for the Couple
It’s really too bad that you raised your son without teaching him any manners or common decency. Not only does he not understand the concept of meeting his own financial responsibilities (i.e. if he wants to get married, he foots the bill for the festivities), but worse still, he seems to think that guilt-tripping his own mother is somehow acceptable as long as he gets what he (or what his greedy fiancee) wants.
It’s too late to fix the flaws in his upbringing, but at the very least you should not give in to his bratty tactics.
I’m getting married this year and was fully prepared to pay for everything ourselves! We got offered some help from his Mom, who can afford it, but I certainly would never have asked for it and do not expect our other parents, who can’t afford it, to contribute. Is there some way you could help without costing too much money? Ex. help make the breakfast the day after the wedding, if they are hosting one? Traditionally there are certain expenses both sets of parents are expected to pay for, but those traditions come from the days when both the bride and groom lived at home before the wedding and probably had much less money then their parents. It is 2010 and if your son is expecting you to go into the poor house over his wedding its time to have a “reality check” chat with him. He has the choice to not spend as much on a lavish wedding, but if that is what they want it is THEIR responsibility to pay for it, no one else’s. I would definitely get this worked out beforehand though, because you don’t want to show up and be made to feel unwelcome because of finances! Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
Oh, and anyone on here who’s trying to make you feel guilty for not having the money to help needs to step back. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it and there’s no need to feel guilty about it, esp if he DOES have the money and just doesn’t want to spend it. There is no such thing as what has to happen at a wedding anymore, that is just old school traditions and the vast majority of people do not follow all those rules…and the ones who do are the one’s whose families both have money and don’t have to worry about it. As someone who has had to work 7 days a week in the past just to make ends meet I understand how stressful this must be for you. Take a breath, have a talk with your son, or write a letter or email if a talk will get too heated, and let go of feeling like you’re in the wrong here at all. You’re not.