Question by Cherrypink: What is the etiquitte if not attending a wedding?
I was invited to a wedding with my other half. We accepted then found out the bride & groom want gift money of £150 per head (yes, they actually asked for this) - we just can't afford £300 plus hotel, clothes, petrol etc. at the moment. What would be a polite way to retract the invitation without being rude?
Yeah, I was taken aback. It would have been nicer to have had a choice to say, buy a nice gift instead but they asked specifically for money!
Best answer:
Answer by jgf5822
DECLINE! how absolutely disgusting.
Add your own answer in the comments!
Call them up and tell them that their cover charge is out of line and you won’t be coming. Well, you can put it nicer than that but I wouldn’t worry about rudeness….the bride crossed way past that line when she demanded such an extravagant amount from guests. You have every right to back out of your RSVP at this point. I wouldn’t send a gift. Just a nice card with your congragulations, it’s all she deserves with behaivor like that.
Honestly, the nerve of some brides. It’s not your job as a guest to fund their lavish wedding.
send a gift and apologies for absence
Just decline. Don’t offer a reason just say you are unable to attend. That is SO TACKY I cannot believe people are asking guests to pay to come.
i wouldn’t even send them a gift with regrets, i’d give them a card and thats it.
They actually asked, not just for money, but a specific amount? And you’re worried about the “polite way to retract”? You are a better person than I… I would say:
“Unfortunately we are not able to meet your financial requirements for attending your wedding so we will not be attending. As our gift is not good enough for you, we will not be sending it along, either. Best of luck to both of you for a happy life together.”
I am so shocked that they are asking their guests to pay! Just tell them the truth that you really can’t afford to go much as you would like to.
Why don’t you want to be rude?
They are being rude to you by asking for this outrageous ‘gift’!!
..or if you really don’t want to upset them (are they friends or family?) then feign illness at the last minute! Food poisoning is generally a good excuse… or car trouble!
Edit – Forget this answer – go with ‘was just tryin to help’ above instead – genius!!
Simply call or write the bride and groom back, and tell them that something has come up, and you won’t be able to make their wedding after all. You don’t have to be rude about it, simply matter of fact. And, letting them know is the polite thing to do. Although, since they were so rude as to actually ASK for monetary gifts (and to even stipulate how much), I’d probably just not show, and let them eat the money on the caterer for our meals. But, the polite thing to do IS to notify them that your plans have changed, and you won’t be able to attend.
edit: But I did like the comment of “your cover charge is too much, so we won’t be able to attend!” That was pretty classic!! LOL
edit again: and for us Americans, the amount of $ $ they asked for is roughly $ 300 PER PERSON!!! Probably a little more now–I haven’t checked the exchange rate for a few weeks, and I do keep hearing about how the dollar just keeps falling.
not sure how that tranfers to american money, but asking for money at all is incredibly rude!!
And YOU’RE worried about being rude?! I’m sorry but the people who invited you are downright rude and they’re the ones who are breaking etiquette. Yes it’s traditional and accepted to ask for gifts via a gift list; but it’s also good etiquette and usual to put items on the list of varying price to suit everyone’s budget; these days some people are now asking for money, but some people still consider that a bit rude, and if they do ask for money it’s usually optional.
Their day should be about making a commitment to each other, not about how much money they can get. Yes, OK, weddings cost a lot and they are feeding their guests which costs. But my fiance and I are paying for our own wedding as our parents can’t afford it; we are saving hard and it will be difficult but i still would not dream of asking for a compulsory gift of a specified amount of money. We are cutting costs by having a buffet and no sit down meal.
If I were you I would go to the wedding but don’t give the money – just get them a £20 gift. You are already having to spend money on a hotel. I had to buy my own bridesmaid’s dress and shoes for my friend’s wedding and pay for a hotel and taxis, so i just gave her a gft worth £15. If you really want to refuse because you don’t want to go without giving the monetary gift, just write back saying something like, ‘we regret that we are unable to make it to your wedding but we hope you have a wonderful day.’ Let’s hope other people do too, then they might get the message!
Sorry if you think I’m beig rude about your friends, but I think what they are asking is rude!
Sorry i misread your question – you have already accepted and want to retract your invitation. Say you have been invited to a wedding of someone more important he he! Seriously though, just say something along the lines of what i have said above, or say something vague like due to financial difficulties at the moment you can no longer attend, or just make an excuse over the phone the day before.
‘Just tryin to help’ has given you an excellent way of responding hehe!
I wouldn’t be too worried about being rude, I don’t believe they should ever ask or most definetly require money to attend their wedding, obviously they wanted a huge wedding they couldn’t afford, live with in your means!!
Did you RSVP by mail? Do the same for your decline, I would have it say, due to financial situations you would not be able to attend their wedding, but you are very sorry.
I would maybe still send them a gift though. Not a $ 300 one though!!!
This is absolutely the most blatant display of bad taste in the whole wedding world!!!
If I were you , not only would i call them & tell them you weren’t coming, I would tell them why! I’d say something like,
“Well, we’d love to be able to come and share this joyous occasion with you, but we didn’t realize we’d have to take out a second mortgage on the house to do it, so I guess we won’t be there!”.
Be polite if you must, but certainly don’t feel badly about not going and don’t feel badly if they are offended. They were the ones who were rude, after all!
that is so RUDE!!!!!!!!! I was invited to a similar wedding and I declined…I cannot imagine ASKING for a dollar amount.
wow
Just say plans have changed and you will be unable to make it.
OR, don’t give them a gift at ALL, OR, give them $ 50 total.
If I found this out about a wedding I was going to go to, I would recind my rsvp and only give them a card.
The most direct approach is simply to write a note that says “We are unable to afford both the cost of travel to your wedding and your charge for attending, so we will be unable to attend. So sorry for any confusion caused by the fact that we accepted your invitation before being made aware of the charge for attendance.”
If you want to keep these people as friends (if, for instance, you think this may be a temporary bout of wedding-related insanity), you probably ought to pony up a decent gift. But if this is the kind of people they are, who needs friends like that?
I wouldn’t even be worried at all about YOUR etiquette when the bride and groom have no manners. How rude of them. I would send a proper written response ( if the invitation was written on paper ) just as the etiquette book says to do stating
Mr and Mrs John Smith ( or whatever your name is in the 3rd person not John and I ) regret they will be unable to attend the wedding of Mr and Mrs Wm Jones on the 3rd of May 2008.
I wouldn’t even worry about a gift if I were you since do you want these kind of people as friends????
First, I find it exceptionally tacky they required a certain amount of money as a gift. However, this may be their way (again incredibly tacky way) of recovering the money they spent on the wedding and/or beginning their life together. If you have a good relationship with them call and ask. Talk with them. See what your options are. Communication is golden. If you want to go to the wedding speak with them in love and ask questions. How would they know there is an issue if you don’t tell them? Don’t be accusatory, just communicate.
OMG – how tacky to tell you how much money to give as a gift. I’m tempted to say just don’t go even though you already said you would, but that would not be right. I would call them up and politely let them know that you and your bf have examined the costs and decided regrettably that you can not afford to make it.
If the bride has any class left in her she’ll say come on anyway that your presence is more than your presents.
I would tell them to shove it up their arrogant @**es.
We would never do anything so vulgar, it is practically a ‘Pay as You Go’ wedding.
OMG…thats so rude..i mean what are they planning on doing if someone turns up and doesnt present this much cash..send them an invoice after the wedding?
i cant imagine many ppl attending at that price. just get it out of the way now and send a card sayng you cant attend…you do not need to tell them why..thats none of their business!
“I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding, but Oscar and I accepted your invitation without understanding how much was involved. I’m afraid we must withdraw our acceptance. We certainly regret not being able to accept, and wish you all the best.” If workable, do this by mail or eMail rather personally confronting anyone with your change of plans.
If anyone tries to pry for details, zip it you. Don’t mention money or rudeness, just stick to the ambiguous “all the details involved” stuff.
DECLINE
I’M sure most will
kill….yr had perfect response you should send!!!
Wow that’s really rude. Just tell them you can’t afford to attend their wedding. Maybe it will make them stop and think… “hmm… why should people have to afford our wedding?”
Just because they ask for money doesn’t mean you have to give it. They are the ones that broke wedding etiquette in a HUGE way. First of all you don’t ask for money, second of all you don’t tell your guests how much they have to give. I would get them a nice gift that you can afford and go to the wedding if you want to attend. If you don’t, write them a nice note telling them be that you can’t afford, the hotel, clothes, petrol, etc. plus another 300 for a gift. You’re sorry but because they are demanding 150/head as an entrance fee, you won’t be able to attend. Or you could just say something has come up and you won’t be able to attend. If it were me, I would say the first thing just to make a point of how rude they are being.
How cheeky! I would just send them a lovely card, with very good wishes from you written inside.
Crass and classless. You shouldn’t be embarrased to decline, she was rude for asking for money (and worse yet, a set amount!!!), that’s such an etiquette faux pas.
Did you RSVP already, or accepted verbally?
Call her up and tell her that due to financial circumstances, you and your boyfriend are unable to attend. Apologize for the inconvenience and move on. She’lll probably resent youif you have already RSVP, but if you have not sent in your rsvp, given some time, she wouldn’t incurr in expenses.
The sooner the better, so either sent you RSVP declining or call her up and tell her that you cannot afford it at the moment and apologize.
Good luck
That’s unreasonable. If you can’t afford it then you should tell the bride and groom. If you are at all special to them then they should understand that some of their loved ones cannot afford it. Good luck but remember you are right on this one.
sorry, u dont ask ur guests to pay to come to the wedding how rude, just tell them the reason