Question by ainealainn: Why are people so selfish when it comes to their weddings?
Another question here sparked me to ask this...
A friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks in Germany. I am her bridesmaid... she is paying for my outfit, but I am paying all the other costs - flight, hotel etc. She lives in Leeds in England (I'm in Ireland) and I have flown over there (at my expense) to look for dresses, I have also paid for a weekend away for her hen weekend. After the German wedding she's having another wedding in August in Cavan in Ireland. I will pay to stay there too. In all (besides the dress etc.) and including present etc. this wedding is going to cost me over 1000 euro at least.
I'm asking this question because since this wedding I have seen how weddings put so many people under pressure they can't afford and I (hope) would never do this. I think weddings should be a time of joy and that those tying the knot should think more carefully about the pressure they're putting others under to feel compelled to go to such expense.
Just to say to a couple of people - I'm not saying that my friend should pay for everything - I'm just saying that everything has added up and that it's selfish to ask someone to pay this amount of money for your wedding. I just can't imagine doing it myself - I'd like to have a small gathering of friends and family somewhere close to home. It should be about the person you're marrying - not about material things.
Best answer:
Answer by I_want_more_points_pleaseeeee
That is rather selfish of her.
If a friend of mine was getting married abroad & she expected me to pay for most of the expenses, I would just tell her I wouldn't be able to go.
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I was about to make a quick comment about how its there day, but i read the info and it does seem that they are expecting a lot from there guests.
Not everyone dose this though, friends of mine had a weeding in malta, and only invited a few people.
because everyone couldn’t go they had a cheap weding in the uk, and envited everyone.
weddings are about showing off and being a princess for a day, its nothing really to do with the love for their man.
they want to be the centre of attention and show off how much they spent on their big day.
it’s all a load of bull crap. if you can’t afford it or just don’t want to spend the money, just tell her.
my sis in law is getting married in barbados next year and i told the family straight out that i’m not going. i refuse to spend so much money on a vanity wedding for people i dont even like.
thats why before you except the role of bridesmaid you need to know what she expects from you. In your case sounds like you did’nt do that so really your only other option if you don’t want to pay for everything she’s asking talk to her tell her it’s too much and if you have to back out before it’s too late.
You are probably not the only one in the wedding that is feeling this way. Did you know ahead of time that it was going to be so expensive? Or, did that bride spring it on you? Let her know that you are on a budget and don’t be embarrassed about it. How many times can she get married? You said she had another wedding in Cavan? What does the other wedding have to do with you?
What seems wierd is shes having 2 weddings, whats that all about. Cant she just have one in Ireland and save all her friends and family a fortune and a bit of stress of going to Germany.
I thought once you were married that was it, this whole 2 weddings thing is a total celebrity con and your friend needs to think about other people, she will be the centre of attention on the big day, and no doubt be lavished with gifts she doesnt really need. My sisters wedding was a humble affair with about 40 folk in a local Hotel, and the drinks were fairly cheap as well as she thought about her guests and what they would feel comfotable with. ive been to a wedding at a top Hotel in Edinburgh and the drink were extortionate, about 3.50 a pint and that was 8 years ago
I think this is a bit selfish of her to expect you to foot the bill for all of this… I think you should be upfront with her and explain how you feel.
Maybe point out that you can do one wedding but not both? maybe that may make her see thats its not fair to ask you to do this?
Also remember she may jsut as you say be under loads of pressure from organising both of these events and hasn’t stopped to think about others and maybe the effect its having on them…
I think people get too caught up in the idea that its “their” day (which it is, but they still should have some respect for others) and don’t think about what they’re asking others to do and the kind of money they’re asking their guests to spend.
You had the choice to not be an attendant.
Wow, Your friend is really selfish. I thought I would be defending the friend from reading the first line, because i know how I was for my wedding, but NO! Your friend is a truly selfish person, who obviously doesnt care about what type of financial toll all of this is taking on her friends and family. Who has teo weddings anyway. She should atleast be paying for you hotel costs or the airfare too.
Hip Hip hooray, Not every wedding is like this most are though, which is more about the times we live in. In your case I think that the bride is taking the piss. If she wants to get married in two locations she should be paying your expenses. The pressure in all of this is way to much and I agree it should be a time of joy and happiness. Good luck for the two days and I hope that you are still friends at the end of it all.
I know exactly how you feel-my friend made us pay for everything for her wedding.
Sadly we live in a society where it is encouraged to be selfish when planning your wedding. We are always told its your big day, do what you want but you should be thinking of how what you want to do impacts on others.Your friend shouldnt be thinking only of herself she should be aware that her big day is going to leave you out of pocket-maybe you should have a friendly chat with her?
You had every right to turn her down when she asked you to be her bridesmaid and to be present at all her wedding activities if you coudln’t afford it (or for any other reason). I completely understand how frustrated you are, but why didn’t you say anything each time you spent tons of money? One of my friends had her bachelorette party in Las Vegas (a five hour flight and about $ 200 flight from here, plus hotel, food, etc.) and I said “Sorry, can’t afford it.” I didn’t feel bad about it and she understood. You need to stand up for yourself next time this happens. Your friend has a right to have her wedding wherever she chooses – her guests have the right to not attend.
sounds like she’s taking the p*ss to be honest and I wouldnt be happy about spending that much and going to all that effort either. It’s really quite thoughtless of her to expect people to go to those lengths and at that expense. Why on earth is she having 2 weddings and can you not just go to one of them?
I just want a wedding with my closest friends and family around and try to make everyone enjoy the day as much as possible without needlessly stressing anyone out.
ok 2 weddings is extreme, but the bridal party is being selfish in expecting the bride and groom to pay their way.
there is no rule that says just becasue someone asked you to be in their wedding that you have to actually do it. at least here in america everyone knows that weddings are expensive, and personally i would never expect someone to pay my way.
Well if you have a problem with it dont go, just go to the wedding in ireland its their day you cant expect them to pay for all your expenses im sure they will understand if you dont go to both plus the hen weekend of course you pay for yourself and again if you have a problem with it or cant afford it dont go.
yeah, i know how you feel. For my experience, its regarding my cousin who chose me to be her bridesmaid and as a wedding gift suggestion ,she wanted me to pay for the bridesmaid dress which cost over a thousand pesos. At that time, I have a lot of financial commitments so I cant afford to pay such amount at a short notice.
What I did is I just politely declined and just make an alibi that I cannot make it on her wedding day due to work commitment.It really that put me under pressure.
Being a Bridesmaid is considered an honour.Not any friend is chosen for the purpose. In fact if the bride has a sister the role automatically goes to her. From the fact that your friend has selected you for the role shows that you are chums(and she almost considers you as your sister). Of course is she is having a marriage in Germany and again a second wedding elsewhere she must be rather well off and should have bolrne the expences. But probably both of you are in the same income bracket and she ,therefore ,thought that you would not carp on the expences and would do everything to attend the wedding,especially because of the honour extended to you.Attending weddings weddings,birthdays(and even funerals) are actions that cement the mutual relations. One should not carp on expences in such cases.You do not attend or even get invited to such ceremonies at strangers.In face in India the non-invitation is taken as an insult. Perhaps over there Mammon is more powerful.
First of all, there is no need to give her any type of present. Your gift is being a bridesmaid and the cost of being in the wedding. So cut the gift off the list of expenses.
Secondly, she really should have taken the location into consideration. We moved out of state. When we decided to get married, we decided to have it “back home” so that it will be easier for our guests and attendants. It is especially hard for the elderly and those with small children to travel, and we wanted to make sure those people could make it.
when it’s your wedding, you will feel so much differently! My mom refused to pay for anything at my wedding that she didn’t get to have the final say on – so we paid for everything alone and got what we wanted (which honestly wasn’t much, it was a small wedding) but not letting my mom choose my DRESS for me was definitely the way to go.
Having said that, there are definitely extremes, and your friend seems to be falling into that category!! I don’t feel that I was overly selfish wanting to choose my own wedding gown, but not considering the extreme costs she is subjecting you to is horrible! Sure, that may be what she wants, and she should get to feel like a princess on her day, but she also needs to have some consideration for those members of the party that are being forced to shell out a hefty sum of money!
I really feel for you, because in your situation I don’t know what I would do! I would really want to go and be upset to miss it, but I don’t think I could afford it…
Unfortunately some people seem to think that their wedding day is unconditionally theirs to do as they please without thinking of the heartache they cause to others who love them.
My sister made a huge point out of not allowing any children under the age of 12 to be at her wedding, thus excluding my 3 year old who was anxiously awating a chance to be flower girl and my 8 mo old son (whom I never would have taken anyhow). Then she had the audacity to expect me to purchase a $ 150 gown and $ 35 shoes to match all the other girls IN the wedding just so she could come dressed up to the reception…..which started an hour after her bedtime anyhow!!
When it comes to weddings, and the marketing out there telling people it’s THEIR day, you just can’t predict what that will do to even the most normally wonderful people. GOOD LUCK!!
When you get married, you’ll see why.
Besides, youc an say “no thanks” if you cannot aford to go.
I’ll be going to 3 weddings this summer (yes. I’got invited to another one yesterday). Two of them are out of state, and I’ll be spending ocer $ 1500 dollars in each weding between gas, parking, airplane tickets, hotel, gown, gift and food.
I could say “no” but it was my concious decision to attend. My bf is a groomsman in 2 of the wedding and he will have to pay for tuxedo and algo spend another $ 1000 to attend to the bachelor party out of state,
Good luck
Unfortunately, many brides have the mentality that “It;s MY day and that means I get anything I want” without regard to the comfort and convenience of their loved ones…your firend sounds among this group. A wedding is not justification for requiring your friends to pay for numerous international trips, and shelling out thousands on HER special day…
We are having a destination wedding, but that is our choice. I don’t expect my family to be penalized by thousands of dollars because of a choice we’ve made. We’re paying for the flights and lodging for our families. Others who will attend are coming on their own…we haven’t even sent out invitations yet, and people are already telling us they’re coming! It’s one thing if they know everything upfront, and still choose to come, another if you just expect someone (even family) to shell out huge money just to attend your wedding.
It sounds like you’re very mature and truly understand the meaning of a wedding. Some women have dreamed about what their wedding would be like since they were little girls. So, when the time comes, they are bombarded with messages from wedding vendors (caterer, photographer, etc) telling her “oh, you’re the princess – everything should be about YOU.” They do this to patronize her and make her feel like she DESERVES all this fancy stuff and she should do anything to make her wedding what SHE wants. They mainly do this to MAKE money and so she’ll pick them and pay their crazy prices.
Don’t give into the hype though. When I was planning my wedding, I never once lost sight of my precious fiance and what this day was really about – he and I committing to love each other forever, promising God in a sacred ceremony. It wasn’t about who had the biggest flowers, spent the most money, or anything so silly. I just wanted it to be wonderful, stress-free and a celebration! It sounds like your friend has gotten carried away and isn’t living in reality. Yes, she’s being very selfish.
Normally, when a bride has a wedding outside of her home country, her family only invites a very small handful of people and then they PAY for them to come. When the bride/groom return to their home, THAT’S when they have the big party that includes everyone.
basically brides are selfish during their wedding because it is “THEIR WEDDING.” When a person agrees to be in someone else’s wedding (especially one out of town or in your case, another country) they should expect it to be quite costly. Most women dream of their wedding day their whole lives and how they want things to be when they get married.
not that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but before accepting the invitation to be in anyones wedding, you should always consider the costs.
personally, i would rather a person tell me they can’t afford, or simply would rather not incur all of the cost of being in my wedding as opposed to griping about to others once they have agreed to be in my wedding. it is not offensive to a TRUE FRIEND if you are unable to meet all of the expenses to be in their wedding. you being there should be enough.
never feel obligated to do anything for anyone. you will always set yourself up for failure.